Saturday, April 18, 2009

I Committed Suicide, So Sue Me

Some people say that suicide is a selfish act and I think I kind of agree with that. No one is exempted from the hardships we experience in this world. So share your problems! Share them with the world! And spare the people around you the burden of cleaning up your act.

Or if it really cannot be helped, at least I advise against using a gun. This weapon is a common choice for crimes so using it will only provoke suspicion of foul play. And that is bad for the people you leave behind. Instead of grieving the misfortune that has come upon them they are made to carry an additional burden of becoming suspects. That is so not cool. And that further proves that suicide is indeed, a selfish act.

I know it might be morbid to suggest but there are other ways. If you are an attention whore, you could choose to jump off a very high place. It could be a building or a billboard. If you want media attention, choose a billboard, if possible, one in EDSA. It would not be long before a TV news crew comes for a scoop. It would not be declared as foul play either, unless you managed to persuade someone to join you up there and that someone survives. It also gives you a good glimpse of the city before you exit to the other world.

Just make sure that the billboard is high enough. Perhaps you will only experience a split second of pain before your crushed organs bail out on you. If the billboard is too low, you will suffer afterwards. You do not really want your legs amputated now, do you? Another con is that your face might get destroyed in the process. You will be ugly at your funeral. But if you were born that way, then no problem!

Another method is to go Marilyn Monroe on everyone. Overdose on barbiturates, or any drug of choice. Your face would not get destroyed as opposed to jumping off a building. But the suffering might be longer. I do not know. I have not tried overdosing on Enervon-C yet. But still, conspiracy theories will speculate that someone injected you something to cause that overdose, though it is hard to prove. It is not foolproof.

I guess the best way to do it is to go on a cruise. After getting drunk, jump off the ledge. People will not think you committed suicide. They would think it was just an accident. Your family could even sue the cruising line. If they get lucky, they earn something from your unlucky demise. They would not even have to spend on funeral related expenses unless your body is found. That is why it would be better to do it when you reach a deep part of the ocean. People would cease from saying that suicide is a selfish act, if someone profits from it.

But still people could say that someone pushed you, so make sure you do it with a lot of witnesses. It is better done at night, in the dark. What if an attention whore jumps after you? At least at night it would be harder to find you in the water. If the epal dies, it is not your fault. You are not the attention-deficient moron with a hero complex here, you are the suicidal one. But still, it sucks for someone to steal your moment, but that is the least of your problems. You want to die, remember?

Before you decide on ending it all, just bear in mind that the problems we encounter in this life are part of what makes it interesting. How boring would your life be if there are no complications? It is like watching Big Brother with a group of nuns doing a novena inside. And Meryl Streep is not even there. So live your life, and let nature take its natural course!

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