Friday, October 27, 2006

Breakaway

Sing it for me Kelly. There you go. Were you thinking of me when you wrote that song? Did you write it specially for me? Because I have to admit I could totally relate to it! Damn you Kelly Clarkson. Damn you.

Lately I’ve been quite exposed to people who have broken free from the chains of monotonous daily life, people who had the courage to defy social norms and then live life the way they want to. Damn you people. Damn you.

I’ve seen the Coconuter episode of Nagmamahal Kapamilya last Saturday after watching Scream 3 via pirated VCD. I wasn’t able to catch the whole story, just his interview and the phone call to his mom. That night I went online as usual and bumped into his blog. Wow, his résumé is quite impressive. He was about to face a bright future in the US when he decided to just come back here in the Philippines (He’s Fil-Am) and live life as a nomad. Some people see it as a waste of time. As I said his résumé is impressive and I wonder what made him abandon all that he had in the US and do what he thought he wanted to do with his life. A lot of reasons could be tossed in but he would never be totally understood. On the contrary I think I understand him. I think he is bored with his life, as bored as I am with mine right now. Damn you Coconuter. Damn you. Is “God” sending me a sign?

Another one would be that guy from Peyups who chose to drop out from his last (?) semester in UP to do what he loves doing, writing. He won’t be getting his diploma anytime soon and again some people think that it’s a waste of time, but I on the other hand think that I understand him. Maybe he is bored with his life, as bored as I am with mine right now. But knowing him, I think he just wants to get more out of life, more than he could get from UP. I admire his courage. I admire the fact that he is not afraid to breakaway and try something new with his life. I think he works with Chito Roño and Erik Matti now. Damn you Peyups guy. Damn you. Is “God” sending me a sign?

Another would be that guy from that European movie who went through the typical route that people take to achieve success only to find out in the end that his definition of success was different from that of others, hence choosing to break free from the tedious daily routine awaiting him. Damn you Guy from that European film. Damn you. Is “God” sending me a sign?

Another would be that writer who I admire. I think she didn’t get her diploma from UP as well for some reason I’m not aware of but still now I find her successful and I also admire the fact that she’s doing what she loves to do, writing. Her case is almost similar to example number 2. Nonetheless, damn you Writer that I admire. Damn you. Is “God” sending me a sign?

I hate the fact that I am not like the people mentioned. I hate the fact that I can’t break free from the invisible chains that bind me, chains that might not even exist in the first place. I hate the fact that I am so bored with my life. I hate the fact that I am bored with my boring life when in fact there is no reason to be bored and yet I choose to bore my boring self making me a so very boringly boring person who sometimes try to infect others with my boredom so that they would also be bored and finally understand and realize the effing boredom that I am. Damn my boring self. Damn me.

Sometimes I wish I could imitate these people, but is that what I really want? The thing is I don’t even know what I really want, but shouldn’t that be exactly the reason why I should follow these people’s footsteps and try to find out what I really want? Ito ba yung tinatawag nila na hinahanap yung sarili? Hahaha, what is this, a boring telenovela?

Suddenly a thought flashes to mind that of a particular quote saying that if you would like to find yourself you shouldn’t go very far because if you do you run the risk of not finding yourself at all. But is that true at all? Isn’t it that sometimes you have to go places to realize some things that you won’t discover unless you abandon the life you currently have and take the risk of starting a new one? Or perhaps just taking a break from the life you are living and then just coming back when you are ready to face it all again?

I don’t know. I’ve tried having a job to shake off the boredom. It’s working somehow. During the first few days I couldn’t even find the faintest sign that this decision to have a job would change a little bit of me somehow. After a week or so the flicker of hope is starting to grow but still I am not convinced that this would finally be the answer. What’s next? A radical change perhaps? How radical? Perhaps a fashion makeover? This is funny. Perhaps a shift in career plans? What about a suicide attempt? Hahaha, roll on the floor laughing. Don’t worry, I’m not thinking of jumping off a building or slashing any of my wrists anytime soon. If you know me oh too well then you should know that I won’t settle for such primitive acts of desperation. Besides, I am that type of guy who goes for reforms, not radical revolutions.

What to do? What to do? A quick trip to the Agencia Española office would certainly put an abrupt end to all of this but after that, what? I don’t know. I am so confused and tired of obsessive compulsive planning. I predicted in the Halloween’s Resolutions article (not yet published) that the Great Depression is sure to hit me this year. Could this be the start? Maybe. Maybe not. Damn life.

Maybe I should relax? Maybe I am just doing so much planning that my system is starting to reject it? Renewable and dynamic five-year plans are good for planning the future but maybe what I’m doing is just plain overkill that it leads me to that freaky feeling of wanting to break free. But how do you break free from yourself? Is that even possible? As the subtitle says, how do you vanquish the enemy when the enemy is yourself? Crap.

Crap, crap, crap. Soon I would initiate new diversions to spice up this boring life a bit. I hope they would finally work because if they don’t then I know definitely that the escapism aficionado deep inside would take over, and then I would blackout and just recover my sanity when all is lost, or when all is changed... for the better. If that would ever happen then I hope the latter would come true. I certainly won’t like being stuck in one hellhole after another.

Harry Potter, pray for me.
Luna the fiery pyrokinetic, pray for me.
Clark Kent, pray for me.
Sadako, pray for me.
Crisostomo Ivarra, pray for me.
Chichiri-san, pray for me.

Amen. Burn me now.

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